Tired.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart.

I don’t have any idea when did this feeling start but it has been so many days now. I just felt unproductive and irresponsible how I leave some people behind for the sake of my laziness. This is awful. I’m awful.

But can you blame me? I’m tired of the things life’s offering me. I want something grand and something worth my time. And I know! I know that I need to finish my damn school works for the sake of my grades but I just–I’m not in the mood to do so. And trust me, no matter how hard I would try, it wouldn’t end up nicely.

I’m not tired physically because I haven’t done anything to make me feel weak. But I am tired mentally and emotionally. And people just don’t get it. My mom says I’m lazy. Yeah, she doesn’t get it either.

I am not lazy.

I just lack motivation and inspiration. My mind bombards me every night and I couldn’t sleep. I think of all the possibilities. What if I run away? What if I leave everything behind? What if?

I read a quote from a book written by Paulo Coelho. And it says, “No one lights a lamp in order to hide it behind the door: the purpose of light is to create more light, to open people’s eyes to reveal the marvels around. No one places her dreams in the hands of those who might destroy them.”

Yet this is happening to me at the damn moment.

I don’t wanna leave my stuffs behind. I worked hard to get this far. But I know deep deep inside my heart, I wouldn’t grow if I stayed in this place.

 

This is not the life I wanted. This is not the place I wanted to be in.

Peu Profond!

Earlier, a classmate of mine asked me, “Why are there people who conclude and judge stuffs so easily?”

It took me a while to answer because I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words. So I let out a heavy sigh before saying, “It’s sad, but that’s just how the world works. It’s a norm done by almost everyone, and I’m not excluding myself. It took me huge a amount of time to not judge people and to not conclude their actions so easily.”

But what I really wanted to say is this: Our point of views are different from each other. We have our own ways of defining and concluding stuffs according to what we see. Our brain automatically conclude stuffs. The word “judging” isn’t bad. It becomes wrong if we use it to insult people and their actions. I personally think that it’s okay to judge every once in a while. At least you could remember the stuffs that you don’t like about them so you could avoid doing it yourself.

But some people are indeed too much. They’re too shallow to the point that they make fun of those people they judge. And how do you avoid this? How do you stop yourself from judging and concluding?

I don’t know if my steps would work with you. My testimony is myself and here’s what I do:

It cannot be easily stopped. Especially when your mind’s already used to judging those people who surround you. Look, judging people negatively means that you’re pulling them down. You’re the cause on why their self-esteems are decreasing. And you talk about how humanity’s gone through your social media accounts? Bullshit.

Start with your own self. Remember that the way you judge people also reflects your own self. It defines who you are. Perhaps, if you weren’t so busy negatively judging people, you would see the beauty that they possess. Look for the good in everyone you encounter. Trust me, your life would be so much more easier.

Let me end this informal essay with a quote from Dietrich Banhoeffer that says, “By judging others, we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”